A Week After 30

A week after thirty I thought I was fine. 

Then the hit fit the shan and my sanity was a fine line. 

My life started changing entirely too fast. 

And loving routine, I felt I was losing my past. 

My husband is lost in his own perfect dream. 

My kids are no longer babies and soon won’t need me. 

School has started and is in full swing. 

Sleeping in on mornings is no longer for me. 

I rush and dash around the house. 

The kids make messes and change their blouse.   

I say please stop, no you can’t wear that. 

They move in a fog and grab funny hats. 

We run out the door and rush to the bus. 

The littles run around and sometimes I cuss. 

No one is listening, doing what they’re told. 

It’s only 8:15 in the morning, it’s cold. 

Please lets go home where it’s cozy and warm. 

With coffee and breakfast, I’ll race you to the door. 

I sit and I type to my friends all online.

I make lists, I prepare, unleash what is on my mind. 

The season is new and the transition is hard.

I’m not ready for this, how did we get this far?

What do you do with a recycled mom and best friend? Reinvent! Life comes in phases. It's ironic that while observing my children’s growth, I assumed that as an adult, I would stop having growth spurts.  Starting a new phase in life is dramatic. In my mind, facing the newness of starting over and re-creating was easy enough. I had a pretty good idea that our family was transitioning into the middle stage of our lives together. Getting my emotional side to let go of the babies and intensity of the new life we started, was harder than my brain had laid it out to be. As I have developed ideas and topics to blog about, I have been able to deal with the emotions, embracing the independence that I once looked forward to and yearned for. 

No longer the mom of three under three with a limited support group, I was now thrust into a new day were I had play dates, free time, babysitters , and overnight visits. Our oldest daughter started school all day long. Our second daughter started to learn how to assert herself and how to deal effectively to get what she wants. My baby, who is now 3, didn't want to snuggle as often. My husband found a hobby that wasn’t detrimental to our relationship and has really displayed his talent. I still didn’t know what to do with myself. For two days, I sat staring at the blank blogger dashboard, apprehensive to start documenting my life and feeling sorry for myself. Women get used to being needed so much, that when things begin to lighten up, it’s hard to enjoy it instead of missing it. 

The other day, I was pleased when the neighbor asked if the littles could come over to play. I realized that it was my window to take that walk/jog that I had promised myself. After I got off the phone, letting her know when I would return, I trotted down the street carting a super-sized helping of guilt.  For what seemed like the first time in five years, I had an hour to myself in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week! It seemed frivolous. In the glory of our youth, we never apologized for things like that. Our time was our time. My time, now that I am mom, seems to be so much more precious. And taking that much of it for myself felt like extravagance. As our children grow out of infancy and toddler-hood we are freed up to do more things for ourselves. Recapturing the essence of self while balancing the roles of mom and wife was uncharted territory. My interests and loves have changed since before kids. The value of my time and money has changed. 

A good friend reminded me that this isn't the end, but more a beginning. It's important to embrace it as a new opportunity, a time to learn. When we take life a little at a time instead of looking primarily at the unknown, it makes it so much easier to roll with it. I was focusing on the wrong part. Instead of realizing that I would have time to write, to exercise, to read, to make new friends, learn new things, I was looking at my kids all being in school in two years and fueling the thought that my husband would find more fulfillment out of his hobby, instead of in my company. The truth is, our kids no longer have incessant immediate needs and we are still best friends. We spent six years building a foundation to move into the next part. How could I forget the days of wishing that I wasn't just Wayne's wife, my kids' mom, housemaid, chef, taxi driver but also Tori, the writer, Tori, the administrator, or even just remember who Tori is. 

That is what this blog is about. Documenting the re-entry into independence. Nourishing relationships, in the home and outside of the home. Getting used to pouring time and energy into myself and others once more, as well as our family and finding the balance between it all. Learning the better side of thirty than what I was choosing to see. I didn't approach my thirties with dread. I truly felt that the 30's were the new 20's. However, I did forget how much we had already accomplished in our twenties.