Why Did You Write That?

I was wrapped up in a book the other day, enjoying it immensely when the ending totally surprised me. Being a stay at home mom myself, I enjoy reading about other stay at home parents. It doesn’t matter if it is fiction or non-fiction.  In this particular novel the stay at home mom enjoyed her job, but was feeling run down and put off. She was a college graduate who had great potential before settling down in a happy marriage and becoming a mom. During the course of having children, she does revisit writing but being a mother takes priority. The whole time she’s doing this her friend is single, successful and feeling lonely, especially after admiring the happiness and fulfillment her BFF receives in being a wife and mother. 

Just when they are coming around together to a decent end, making some peace with the paths they have chosen, the mom finds out she has cancer and dies while her kids are still young. Seriously?!  At first, after I finished the book, I was just shocked. Why would you write that? The end was horrible! Then I was sad and upset. And by the time my husband came home, I hugged him as tight as I could, then immediately started planning the rest of our lives. 

This novel left me with some serious questions and thoughts. My first stop was evaluating myself. What am I qualified to do? I have some ideas that I would love to pursue and some that I am already working on. But how do I know when I am qualified? Do I need to visit the thought of school? What is the value of an education vs the value of experience? Does self-confidence grow when you feel you are qualified? What, if anything changes? Does it bring more personal satisfaction in succeeding? In the book, the mother of the mom strongly encouraged her daughter to go to college because she regretted that she wasn’t able to attend. 

I asked my mom about it, because she has her doctorate. She went to school after she turned thirty. She also had three kids in the same age range that I do. (Weird, I know!) Although my parents supported our education, they also didn’t place a heavy moral obligation to go to college. When I asked my mom about it, her response was “You can’t make an 18 year old do much of anything.” To which I laughed, remembered being 18 and agreed. I always felt like college was a place for overgrown children to play before they grew up and went into the real world. I also didn’t have a specific thing I wanted to go to school for.  My parents definitely raised us with healthy self-esteems and some good solid confidence in ourselves.  As I began thinking about the things that I want to do, I began to wonder if my confidence and my experience are going to be enough. Is this self-doubt just enough to keep me humble or is my lack of formal education going to be a detriment to my success? 

My other issue with college was just the thought of going away made me homesick. Seriously homesick. It still makes me homesick. When we grew up, we lived three hours away from family. I always wanted to live somewhere and put down deep roots. My mom grew up in a family that didn’t do much family stuff. That changed when she married my dad. The Borovec side of our family did tons of stuff, some of the relationships are still fuzzy because there were so many cousins and more cousins that we knew from year to year events. It has helped shape Wayne and I’s desire to be close to our families. We enjoy being a couple of minutes away and seeing my parents every week. Somewhere in there, there was an adventurer gene, though, because my sister has gone away twice now! 

This fear or dislike of travel needs to change, though. I want to be able to go places and promote my work. That is a big part of my dream. I have been trying to get out of my comfort zone in places that I already interact. I always feel bad because when I mentally prep for this stuff because I tell myself to be like my second daughter, Tristen and less like myself or my first daughter, Anthem. Tristen is a social butterfly. She adores crowds and people. Especially people who pay attention to her! My poor sweet Anthem is like I was as a kid. It’s so amazing to see the window into my life through my child. She is fairly shy and usually always concerned with what other people are going to think or say about her. When she did her first program at Vacation Bible School at the age of four, she literally broke out in a sweat and looked miserable on stage. My mom and I laughed and felt her pain at the same time. My mom conquers the same feelings every week at church. It is amazing, because you would never tell now that she feels this way. In fact, it is her courage every week that has made me want to try even harder to get past this uncomfortable stage. 

The book also made me revisit the purpose of my blog. I started this blog to be something of my own outside of just being mom and wife. It has been such a joy to see the comments and that people read it. I want to encourage others while remembering my enthusiasm for writing.  I remember how hard it was to build a network of support when I first started staying at home.  I was lonely with three babies. I just wanted a place to tell me that I was normal. My mom told me, but I thought she might be a bit partial. It’s my delight to have a place where people can go to read that they are normal or laugh at the thought processes of someone trying to convince themselves they are.  

After the book provided me with a good reminder of my own mortality, I am not sure I want to sit around and wait to do something great. I want to pursue the skills I’m lacking, write more, and not be locked in my own shell of desire to do things. I’m still trying to figure out a few more pieces of who I am and how to present myself well. But when I look at myself in the eyes of my husband, my parents, my family and my friends I believe that I can do this stuff. It’s amazing. It intimidates me on some levels but they give me the courage to try. One of the hardest parts about a journey is taking the first steps. I think I’d rather be uncomfortable and challenged, knowing that I am going somewhere than wonder why I never tried. 

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The book I am referring to is called Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah. It really was a good read in spite of the end.  The writer really did an amazing job taking the reader through three decades, highlighting many historical events while outlining a beautiful friendship. It also written with the setting of Washington state, which made it cool, because I grew up there.