There is nothing like some good old fashioned self-sabotage
to ruin the celebratory, I made it Birthday high. I was so touched, even
pleased and surprised to see who I really believe I am, reflected in the mirror
of Facebook comments on my birthday. Then Captain Ugly sailed into my brain in
with his evil cohorts: Doubt and Skepticism. “Is this an online persona? I always wonder in
real life what they say when my back is turned. What do they think of me? Am I
just one massive joke? I know how I feel about select people, how I would
describe them.” And the battle to regain the upper hand in the situation began
yet again.
And of course, leave it to my children to make me double
analyze effort, courage, confidence and motive. If I look as foolish with fit
throwing, crying over not getting my own way or my ostentatious behavior as I’ve
seen my children’s behavior displayed last week, I have a massive session of
apology coming. What’s worse, I probably have several personal catalogs of
instances I remember well enough to warrant and elicit those apologies. This always
makes me ask the question “How many times do I have to wound myself for
something that I have not only survived but also been given grace for?”
The first week of school was a rough and rather exhausting
start for everyone. I have put a lot of effort into establishing a new, more
interactive family routine. This includes more time management for my tasks as
well as trying to structure our time as a family around homework and household
tasks. I had two very tired little girls yelling, crying and screaming at me
all week. It started from the time they got off the bus until after bedtime
ranging in such dramatic insults as telling me that I am ruining their lives,
they hate me, etc. They are only seven and five, how can they feel this way
already? I know that they are emotional,
tired little critters and there is not a whole lot of truth to it. Not to
mention, I did see several other similar statements from other Mothers on
Facebook, but in the heat of the moment getting a “real job” besides being mom never
sounded better. Their criticism also started my mind rolling… unnecessarily.
In addition to that, I have also received a series of
communication regarding Tristen’s behavior at school. I really appreciate the
teacher being so informative and active on this. She is most definitely an
educator. She has an education IN educating, which is more than we can say for
most parents. <Insert joke about IQ tests before parenting here.> Thing
is, I’m feeling slightly embarrassed and somewhat shamed by this. I know that
my child’s defiance and her lack of recognition of authority can be a bit of an
issue, especially if she is gauging the strength of the leader.
I’ve been prepping
for this for a while and in spite of my effort, it just doesn’t seem like her
behavior has gotten any better with consistency. Now I have someone else trying
some of the many things I’ve tried, confident of their soon success. To be
frank, I was a little upset by inference that it may make the ultimate
difference, but let ‘er rattle. I prayed that she was right.
Again, before I explain my thoughts on the coming situation,
let me reiterate that I LOVE the effort that Tristen’s teacher has made. I was
really thrilled she was going to be Tristen’s teacher because Tristen already
adores her. Anthem was in her Kindergarten class and I am really pleased with
her performance as a teacher. I also felt like she has the capacity to understand
Tristen on a level that sometimes, maybe I miss as a parent. This is for the
purpose of explaining my thought process not about being frustrated by the teacher’s
communication or success in trying things that we’ve already attempted.
That being said, the second week into classes I received a message
from Tristen’s teacher. In light of a situation where Tristen showed disregard
for school rules, authority of other adults in the school and listening the
first time she is asked to do things, she decided to start a behavior chart for
Tristen with lots of positive affirmation. She said that she knows Tristen
wants to be good, she also said that Tristen really wants attention.
I had several different first thoughts all at once and while
I saw the truth in what she was saying, I have to say my attitude of gratitude was
lacking in some of them. Regardless, I
am going to share them because I feel it is totally relevant to my point on the
value of controlling ones’ thoughts.
My thoughts on this were:
1.
Yep, tried the chart thing once myself. Tristen
opted out of it in favor of instant gratification by doing what SHE wanted. Good
luck with that.
2.
Tristen- attention? More? Really? She gets loads
of attention. Not only at home (both positive and negative) but also just about
ANY place we go. She’s the QUEEN of attention.
3.
That’s a great idea. Maybe she’ll do it better
for you. Please realize I DO try.
4.
Holy crap! This is only the second week of
Kindergarten and I’ve talked to the teacher almost every other day and then
some.
After filtering through those thoughts, I recognized my insecurity
in my own parenting based on Tristen’s performance. Just because my mind is
belittling my parenting doesn’t mean that the teacher is. It’s teamwork. It’s
about being consistent as parents and creating an education team. I get it. When I went to reply to
the message, I decided to quit making sure I mentioned what we have previously
attempted to help mold our child. They don’t want justification for your method
of parenting. They have degrees in
dealing with and teaching twenty fresh creative individuals. All they need is
support. I have seen specific examples of improvement with Tristen, which I am
quick to praise both student and teacher for.
Of course, the behavior issues came on the tail end of a
week of hearing what a horrible mom I am from that same child, so it was only
natural for my brain to spin off on a routine evaluation on my performance as a
parent. I was angry and a little resentful, because if changing our routine to
squeeze more of myself out and make them and our time together more meaningful and
productive makes me a bad parent, then I am most definitely guilty. The list of
things I used to do and used to enjoy gets longer and longer every year. The
rate of replacing them sometimes feels a bit slow, moreso through these types
of experiences.
It is weeks like that which makes me wonder how and when
this having kids thing proves as worthwhile, awesome and as fulfilling as
people say it is. Sometimes it looks more to me like no career, being broke and
always hoping for a better day tomorrow. It’s called trying your hardest to
perform at your best to be yelled, screamed and cried at. Being told that your
effort and performance suck. It’s the extra twenty pounds that never comes off,
just jiggles as you go about your day. It’s turning around to admire your
progress to find it completely undone. All the while, we hold out for three little
words, a hug, some love or some kind of proof from the fickle little creatures that
you are doing a good job. Most of the time when that happens it erases all
those moments that made you think all those crazy thoughts, but my mind was
already spinning.
This led me to wonder if my substandard performance is due
to my multi-tasking. Sometimes, I feel like the only person in the world who
doesn’t get to pay attention to just one thing because I have too many other
responsibilities. I always think that if I could just focus on ONE, I might
master it and not always feel like I am competing for it and come up lacking.
Drums, singing, writing, event planning, marketing, parenting, housekeeping,
maintaining myself so that I look good enough doing all of those things. I
mean, really, while we are on the intuitive overthinking topic, why not ask why
some people have to put out so much less effort to be engaging and I have to
work so hard to earn people’s love? Why don’t I have a magnetic personality
that isn’t like when you stick the wrong ends of magnets together?
I do laugh at the irony of writing a blog post about
figuring it out only to have those very words challenged the next week. Most of
these circumstances wouldn’t have felt as defeating if there didn’t seem to be
a constant theme of “Are you really doing as good of a job as you think you
are?” It’s most definitely my fault for writing a blog post that semi-stated
that I was. That’s usually when things tend to crumble right before your very
eyes.
Shame and disgrace are ugly bedfellows. There is nothing
like those two to keep a good person from their destiny, from having hope, and
from sharing encouragement with other people. When I look around me, I never
seem to see anyone else’s struggles with those two. I stay in my self-absorbed mindset,
wondering why I think so much more than I need to while tuning out everyone
else’s status updates, posts or conversations about it. While I am replaying
the reel of my mistakes in my head for the millionth viewing, it seems even
more torturous that some people can just shrug their shoulders and move on like
things never existed. My insecurity then
takes root, weighing down my heart and becomes worry.
This is when I usually realize I might be over reacting a
bit. Maybe I actually do perform all of my tasks well or do have those exceptional
qualities if other people are able to see them and comment on them. That would
indicate that it is my over analytical mind that is killing the heart over it. I
do feel that a healthy dose of self-doubt does encourage me to try harder and
do better. It keeps me from becoming overly confident and proclaiming myself as
a pretentious expert in many areas. The downside is that I fret about it
endlessly and disqualify myself in areas that I am more than capable of
handling. That is self-destructive.
It’s time to remember that last year, I decided I wasn’t going
to compare myself, skewer myself or hide the truth from myself anymore. I made
up my mind not to care about what other people may be thinking; I was going to
be free to be and love myself. Feeling comfortable in my skin was what was
making me happy. I felt like I was starting to truly recognize who I am and
fulfill my destiny. It was part of what made thirty feel like such a successful
year. I don’t think that our minds were made to sabotage our productivity.
Ultimately, this leaves us with the responsibility to use it wisely.
