The Gift That Keeps On Giving

We’ve all done the white elephant, but this time it is about something different. It’s about connecting and sharing life with others. It’s about reaching out beyond home and being a part of a community. Whether it’s your neighborhood, your town, club, church or online, it’s important.

Unlike most moms that I connected to, I had a different approach to life. Life found me. As much as I thought myself a planner, I wasn’t. I embraced experiences and ended up learning more from them than I thought. My husband and I got married with one kid and then promptly had two more, moved twice and started a business. I started staying at home after pre term labor with my second child. The first four months were bliss. During that time, we sold our house, packed up and moved our household. Then I was thrust into the world of being a stay at home mom.

I was younger than most moms in the local community. To my two, most had one. I was desperately searching out a new routine when I went to a local park with my two year old and two week old baby. I remember the feeling of exhaustion as I pushed the two year old in the swing with the baby securely attached with a Snugli. When it came time to go home, I remember distinctly the crying of my two year old and my two week old as we went back to the truck. Fully engorged, needing to nurse and dealing with a meltdown, I wondered when mom got a chance to meltdown as well.

I joined some local mom’s groups and checked out a few, but the desire to connect with other real moms wasn’t really satisfied. I got discouraged, realizing that what I wanted and what was presented weren’t the same. My kids came into my life to compliment my life, not to complete my identity. As I struggled to find the balance between the two, I talked to my mom. I would cry, wondering where all the normal people were: the ones that taught function, not just paid for entertainment.

As I spread my wings and pushed out into the community to find out if there really was life out there, I found more friends along the way. One came in the form of a consignment shop. I lived to stop by there for not only the friendship, but also the amazing spread of secondhand maternity clothes and kid’s clothes available. Some of my greatest friends came through visiting the store out of a need to just GO somewhere.

I also joined a local Yahoo group for moms, but I wasn’t prepared for where it would take me. We had one gal that was a very motivated recruiter. She introduced me to the people I would share coffee with for years later. Little did I know these women would shape my years of transitioning from a working mom to a stay at home mom. With some of them, I have developed such deep friendships that I have either met them or I have shared our most private moments and many hours with for the entire time since my introduction.

I have shared several different milestones with these amazing mothers: from graduating from college, several births and a couple of grandchildren to fresh marriages, losing homes, Kindergarten, middle school and the things that no one ever told you about being a mom. All of it meant more and felt more normal shared with other women. It took a while, but through many different avenues I finally found the normal that I was looking for in raising children in real life.

It was a slow start easing into the forum that I would soon call home. I based my norm off of these women I shared my life with every day. Some of us would chat every Friday and Saturday night which was a relief from the transition of fun girl to motherhood. The only other example I had besides my mother was a co-worker I worked with for years. When you are stumbling into a new frontier, the best thing you can have is allies.

Many of these women have become real to me through our relationship online. One from Wisconsin regularly sends a Christmas package from her kids to mine. Our family has sent packages to others as well. We’ve gone to a wedding and spent our family vacation with some that live a couple hours away. We have shared so much more than pictures and our deepest secrets in this place. It is a true example of relationships forged through adversity and small every day victories.

When we moved back to Bend a couple years ago, I was sad to say good bye to our small community in Redmond. I was reintroduced to the yahoo group that I was a part of. Having three kids under three was often overwhelming and made it hard to get out. Many of the women that I was unable to connect with before were now available. I spent many a happy coffee hour with someone that I had previously connected with online. I also met new friends through giving away or selling baby items.

Feeling connected and having conversations with adults throughout the day is so important for stay at home moms. It can turn one of the worst hours of your everyday life into a story you can later laugh at. There is insight, sympathy and suggestions for the tight spots. Most of all, there are hugs and warm words when you need them the most. The company is especially appreciated during the hours that everyone else is sleeping or at work. Our circumstances in our household have changed so erratically during the last couple years. I wouldn’t be able to smile and share this story without the support of our family and these wonderful friends.

Although we are busy throughout the day, it is so easy to pop on and chat for five minutes, making it less monotonous. Mommies need time out too sometimes. This holiday season brings a rush of shopping, programs, parties and baking. In the middle of all of the commotion, it is easy to feel alone. Take some time to talk to a friend, to be there for someone else. The holidays are made to enjoy family and friends, to be together. Reach out; share the love, there really IS life out there!

My heart goes out to some of my local mom friends who are mourning the loss of a friend this week. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Christmas Time’s A Comin

A couple weeks before Thanksgiving, I was looking at the schedule, realizing how fast it was going to pass. Snow had begun to flirt with the holiday cheer and according to Caitlin, Christmas was near. Our schedule was booked. So, I booked buying a tree in the middle of that. In years past, we have spent fuel and money on a Christmas tree pass to go cut our own. This great tradition in Central Oregon produces some of the funniest, most interesting looking trees you’ve ever seen. Charlie Brown has nothing on the forest up past Sisters.

Before we had three kids, a mortgage payment and other expenses to worry about, going out to find a Christmas tree was all about getting out in the woods. I remember many years when my dad would fire up the beast (the 1986 Ford extended cab pickup) and take it out with my mom riding in the middle of the bench seat, to get a tree. The beast rests peacefully in our driveway this year with the crew cab. After a couple of sparse years, repeatedly burning fuel and funds we didn’t have, we decided that it was worth going to Big Lots to get a $20 fake tree. I had perused the ads for a month and figured that was the best bargain to date. Craigslist was a little discouraging in the tree department. I was still a couple of weeks off from NEEDING a tree, but I wanted to make sure it was taken care of. 

When we arrived at Big Lots to purchase our tree, the kids were exclaiming in glee at the displays.  They wanted one of everything. The selection of trees available only confirmed my expensive taste as I was drawn to the ones that cost the most. When we finally got to the $20 tree, we were a little put off. We circled the aisle again, re-evaluated our choice, and then decided that it was worth the effort. I figured that the staff didn’t share the same enthusiasm towards Christmas. Whoever set it up pry didn’t fluff the tree out right when they put it on display. It would look fine when I got it home and set up. We still had a week and a half until Thanksgiving. 

I got the tree home and set it up. A $20 fake tree is about the equivalent of the permit fee that they charge to cut your own tree. The ironic part is, it is just as Charlie Brown as the ones you cut down yourself. I had told Wayne that I knew I had enough stuff to fill it in. With some effort on my part, it would be okay.  I set out to accomplish my task using greens from the dollar tree that I had bought years ago for decoration. I added some garlands, too, that had a filling effect as well. I felt like it would suffice for Christmas after my additions to the tree.  Wayne was impressed with my effort. Finally satisfied, I had him put it in the garage, waiting for the day after Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving day, before we went over to join the rest of my family, I saw the best Craigslist posting ever: a nine foot tree from Costco, with lights not working. If you know Wayne, you know he can fix about anything. He always surprises me with his natural ability to make things work again. I kept thinking, “Oh, it’s only three feet taller than the tree we bought.” I was disappointed when I got the email that it was taken within the first few moments of being posted.  

The day after Thanksgiving, I was just thankful that I’d made our six foot tree fit. I was able to keep the bench that provides enough seating to have many people over comfortably. As I chatted with my mom, drinking my morning coffee, I received an email. It was from the people with the FREE Christmas tree. They wanted to know if we could we come pick it up. Pre-lit, from Costco, it was only three feet taller. I knew the quality had to be excellent. With sheer bliss, I told Wayne to answer his phone when they called to give directions. He was slightly irritated, being in the middle of a website upgrade, but still accommodating. I was kind of confused at why they were so eager to be rid of such a great tree. 

Being the good sport that he is, Wayne agreed to go pick it up. They had stated in the ad that you would need a truck or a van to pick up the tree. As he was leaving, I remember hearing some grumbling, because it was imperative that he pick it up NOW. I immediately messaged my mom, urgent with the need to share. After ten minutes or so, Wayne texted me to tell me that it would be a little big for our place. I took a quick glance at the bench, using it as a reference in size.  It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. We can just take the bench out, like I had planned before. 

A half an hour later, I heard the diesel pull up to the garage and went with glee to meet Wayne as the garage door opened. His expression was still a tad grumpy, but I chose to ignore it. I looked in the back of the truck and there were THREE big boxes! I was really impressed, because the boxes themselves were twice the size of the box our tree from Big Lots came from. We unloaded them into the garage and Wayne coolly passed by me and resumed his post at the computer. 

Feeling a bit elfish, I asked him if he was eager to set that bad boy up. He said no and ignored my excitement. He went back to what he was doing before he was so rudely interrupted. The kids, knowing that dad had gone to pick something up, ran into the garage. They immediately exclaimed “Dad brought home three Christmas trees!” Feeling rather proud of myself, I said “No kids THAT is ONE Christmas tree!” 

Unable to contain the enthusiasm, I broke open the box labeled base. I pulled out the bottom and with a great tug, it came loose. I handed it to Anthem to take into the house. It landed with a thud and she dragged it into the living room. Feeling boisterous by my big score, I decided to grab the bottom of the tree. It was a lot heavier than I realized and I kind of got a hint of why Wayne was so irritated. 

Dragging the bottom of the tree in to set up, Wayne politely ignored me at his computer desk. It was bulky, but I figured, eh, no big deal. It was wrapped up in a conical shape deceptive to its true girth. When I sat it down on the base, I realized WHY Wayne was politely ignoring me. It unfolded into six and a half feet diameter of a tree. It took up the whole living room space between the couch and entertainment center.  My eyes the size of saucers, all I could do is say “WOW”.  The warm feeling of a Christmas miracle began to flood through my spirit. 

Determined to see the tree in its full glory, I went about bringing out the next portion. I went to lift it out of the box and it was a lot heavier than the first part. Shocked, I drug it through the house and gave Wayne the pitiful “help me” look. Casually trying to ignore me, he couldn’t get away from it. That’s when he decided to show me the full effect of my ambitious intention. Ever so helpful, he put the rest of the tree together. It was as tall as the ceiling fan in our living room. You could barely squeeze past it by the couch in our living room. I sat in my chair with my laptop in awe of it. I laughed. Then I laughed even more. Wayne hid himself on the other side of the obnoxious tree, at his desk. He continued to ignore me as nicely as he could while I laughed uncontrollably.

My exuberance about the tree hit full peak. I called everyone I knew to tell them about the massive tree in the middle of our living room. It was the most beautiful fake tree I have ever seen. All put together, only half of the lights worked, but when the remote was on, it rotated too! The tree was so large we had to take out the bench that accommodated guests. It blocked the entire view from the kitchen to the living room. Every time I looked at it, I felt a bit like Clark Griswold. It was a sure sign it would be the best Christmas ever.  I laugh whenever I think about the tree. It reached the little kid in me. It felt like having the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in the middle of my house. 

The joy of Christmas isn’t necessarily in the tree, or the presents that go under the tree. It’s about the time we spend together as a family. The hysterical story of the Swearingen Family Christmas tree will be one of my favorites for years. The tree did finally grow on Wayne. He had to endure hours of laughter as I sat and rejoiced in my marvelous find. He did remind me that he had the chance to email on the tree as well, but HE knew it wouldn’t fit.  The story of the extravagant gift given away for free is common during Christmas, but this year I will appreciate it so much more.