There’s nothing like change to knock you off your beaten
path. I’ve been struggling for a couple of months to find something to write
about for my blog. In the back of my mind, the same words have been bouncing
around “appreciating the joy set before you.” I’ve tried really hard to focus
on the beautiful things that are in front of me, the ones that are going right
and make me smile every day. There have
been a lot of things going right for us, but I’ve been struggling to get my
heart to feel the joy that I know I should be feeling.
My heart has been heavy with my grandma approaching the end
of her life. I see my dad unwavering in his faith, working through the tears as
he deals with it. It’s not just about losing my grandma; it’s about losing a
time period, about being reminded about how much time we have with our loved
ones. When you are growing up, your parents and grandparents are constants, a
sturdy framework of a home, telling you where you are from, that you will make
it, just as they’ve made it through the years. The awareness that things in our
lives are changing leaves an edge that we just kind of flirt with until the end
is finally here. Then you’re launched into making sure those memories aren’t
forgotten and who we are, is passed on. I know that I’ve had my grandparents
for longer than some of my friends or even my family members have. But to me,
it’s a reminder that we are reaching the age of change. I worry about my parents. The speed with which my kids are growing
makes me uncomfortable, realizing that the beginning of our family is now into
the next stage of being a family. I’m realizing that unlike before, I don’t
know it all and sometimes that itself scares me.
It also brings to mind that my sister has settled and built
a home in another state far away. Though we chat often, I miss just being with
her. The loss of my sidekick has brought new value to friendships with others but
there is still a part of me grieving the times that we thought were infinite. It was a stage of growing up that I never
really thought we would approach. All the sudden we are grownups and things look a lot
different than they used to. Life just kind of seeps through the cracks of visits,
not captured at its fullest through
chatting and repeating the story.
These changes loom with permanence, unlike seasons which
pass away; a reminder that it’s time to adapt and to grow. Sometimes that
growth hurts. It’s easy, sometimes more soothing, for me to just shove
everything down under the surface and continue with my busy schedule. What isn’t easy is to sit down, dissect it,
taking time to process and accept the change. It is a reminder of how important
it is to let the people around me know how much they are appreciated and loved.
Just as faith has to be exercised to be useful, love and joy require effort
in order to be effective too. The season of love is around us. There is joy set before
us. These days can be filled with a thankful attitude for the fullness or we
can look at what is no longer “perfect” and see that the glass in front of us
is cracked and half empty. The love that binds us together mends those cracks
and fills those spaces when we share what is on our hearts and our minds.
Today, my joy is finishing my homework so I can go pick my
kids up from the bus stop. After we get home, I think we’ll all snuggle on the
couch and watch a movie. Then we’ll have dinner as a family. And before I go to
sleep tonight, I will think about what an amazing growing work of art life is,
from beginning to end.
