The Gift That Keeps On Giving

We’ve all done the white elephant, but this time it is about something different. It’s about connecting and sharing life with others. It’s about reaching out beyond home and being a part of a community. Whether it’s your neighborhood, your town, club, church or online, it’s important.

Unlike most moms that I connected to, I had a different approach to life. Life found me. As much as I thought myself a planner, I wasn’t. I embraced experiences and ended up learning more from them than I thought. My husband and I got married with one kid and then promptly had two more, moved twice and started a business. I started staying at home after pre term labor with my second child. The first four months were bliss. During that time, we sold our house, packed up and moved our household. Then I was thrust into the world of being a stay at home mom.

I was younger than most moms in the local community. To my two, most had one. I was desperately searching out a new routine when I went to a local park with my two year old and two week old baby. I remember the feeling of exhaustion as I pushed the two year old in the swing with the baby securely attached with a Snugli. When it came time to go home, I remember distinctly the crying of my two year old and my two week old as we went back to the truck. Fully engorged, needing to nurse and dealing with a meltdown, I wondered when mom got a chance to meltdown as well.

I joined some local mom’s groups and checked out a few, but the desire to connect with other real moms wasn’t really satisfied. I got discouraged, realizing that what I wanted and what was presented weren’t the same. My kids came into my life to compliment my life, not to complete my identity. As I struggled to find the balance between the two, I talked to my mom. I would cry, wondering where all the normal people were: the ones that taught function, not just paid for entertainment.

As I spread my wings and pushed out into the community to find out if there really was life out there, I found more friends along the way. One came in the form of a consignment shop. I lived to stop by there for not only the friendship, but also the amazing spread of secondhand maternity clothes and kid’s clothes available. Some of my greatest friends came through visiting the store out of a need to just GO somewhere.

I also joined a local Yahoo group for moms, but I wasn’t prepared for where it would take me. We had one gal that was a very motivated recruiter. She introduced me to the people I would share coffee with for years later. Little did I know these women would shape my years of transitioning from a working mom to a stay at home mom. With some of them, I have developed such deep friendships that I have either met them or I have shared our most private moments and many hours with for the entire time since my introduction.

I have shared several different milestones with these amazing mothers: from graduating from college, several births and a couple of grandchildren to fresh marriages, losing homes, Kindergarten, middle school and the things that no one ever told you about being a mom. All of it meant more and felt more normal shared with other women. It took a while, but through many different avenues I finally found the normal that I was looking for in raising children in real life.

It was a slow start easing into the forum that I would soon call home. I based my norm off of these women I shared my life with every day. Some of us would chat every Friday and Saturday night which was a relief from the transition of fun girl to motherhood. The only other example I had besides my mother was a co-worker I worked with for years. When you are stumbling into a new frontier, the best thing you can have is allies.

Many of these women have become real to me through our relationship online. One from Wisconsin regularly sends a Christmas package from her kids to mine. Our family has sent packages to others as well. We’ve gone to a wedding and spent our family vacation with some that live a couple hours away. We have shared so much more than pictures and our deepest secrets in this place. It is a true example of relationships forged through adversity and small every day victories.

When we moved back to Bend a couple years ago, I was sad to say good bye to our small community in Redmond. I was reintroduced to the yahoo group that I was a part of. Having three kids under three was often overwhelming and made it hard to get out. Many of the women that I was unable to connect with before were now available. I spent many a happy coffee hour with someone that I had previously connected with online. I also met new friends through giving away or selling baby items.

Feeling connected and having conversations with adults throughout the day is so important for stay at home moms. It can turn one of the worst hours of your everyday life into a story you can later laugh at. There is insight, sympathy and suggestions for the tight spots. Most of all, there are hugs and warm words when you need them the most. The company is especially appreciated during the hours that everyone else is sleeping or at work. Our circumstances in our household have changed so erratically during the last couple years. I wouldn’t be able to smile and share this story without the support of our family and these wonderful friends.

Although we are busy throughout the day, it is so easy to pop on and chat for five minutes, making it less monotonous. Mommies need time out too sometimes. This holiday season brings a rush of shopping, programs, parties and baking. In the middle of all of the commotion, it is easy to feel alone. Take some time to talk to a friend, to be there for someone else. The holidays are made to enjoy family and friends, to be together. Reach out; share the love, there really IS life out there!

My heart goes out to some of my local mom friends who are mourning the loss of a friend this week. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Investing in Success

A couple of months ago, I was so excited to share how our family was finally recovering from the recession. We had made it through losing a home, a business and living with my parents for a year to recover. The whole year was an amazing journey and beautiful story of how things finally started going right. Wayne had landed a job that quickly promoted him. We went through some music classes that ultimately led to him doing some sound stuff for concerts in Bend. We found a rental home that was perfect to start over in. My gardening took on a whole new level of success with hydroponics and worms.  In November, we were all going to go on Wayne’s health insurance through his work. It felt like we were finally back on track with our lives.  It felt like we could live and dream again.

Wayne and I used to joke that we started out in a full run at life together: got married on the fly, had a kid per year and moved three times.  Our family and our life developed so quickly, we didn’t have the time to build solid roots. It was in the resting and rebuilding time, living with my parents, that I felt we were able to establish those roots after establishing a family. During that journey, we had some of the best family and friends surrounding us, supporting us and cheering us on. They cried with us, they laughed with us and we even lived with some of them.  I felt like we came out of it even stronger than before.

In October of this year, Wayne came home early one day and told me he lost his job. It was so disappointing. However, after a whirlwind year of goodness, I knew the ability to dream and hope was still alive in me.  What I didn’t realize was that we were presented with the chance to walk out one of the most important times of our lives. The joy from the momentum of the beginning of the year would be meaningless if we didn’t continue to carry it through the rough spots.  This has been one of the most significant lessons of my life.

In the past, I preferred to hide from the issues.  I spent the days wishing the problems or situations away instead of dealing with them head on. I didn’t want to share with others or participate in their joy, because I felt so deprived of mine. It felt like we were failing in life. I would retreat into our house, turning off the phone, turning off the computer and not answering the door. For the sake of our pride we would put on a wary façade of making it when we did go out.

However, this time, it is different. I am surrounded by so many fresh reminders every day of how great our life is. We live in a wonderful home that I have fallen in love with every morning that we wake up in it. We live in a neighborhood that has become more than just houses, but alive with people that we love and share lives with. We have a family that is filled with people that are related by blood and others that are just as precious because of the things we’ve faced together. We have a love and a passion for life reflected by the vibrancy that we approach each day with.  I have enjoyed our children, our home and the time we get to spend together so much more this past year.

My husband has inspired me every day with his persistence. He works hard every day that he can, taking each job offered, to make things work. He hasn’t ever complained about any of the jobs handed to him. It would be easy to feel over-qualified and under-appreciated based on his previous experience, but instead, he comes home happy that he is still providing for our family. On the days that he is home, we’ve been able to enjoy and appreciate each other’s company.  He is such a good husband, a wonderful father and a faithful friend. He continues to build my admiration in him through his dedication to doing excellent work no matter what the task.

I feel like when we started appreciating the process of growth, instead of just waiting for the outcome or arrival, we truly began to value the most important pieces of our lives. Every friendship, every trial, every day, is just one more line in the story of who we are and were created to be. The time we invest in the people around us contributes to the success of that story. We’ve been so blessed by all of the people that have been willing to invest in us from past to present. Those seeds of faith we place in others through our daily contact, our friendships and our words, are so important.

It’s the time of year to be thankful and reflect on all of the blessings we’ve received. This year it is so special to me and it is my joy to appreciate every moment of it. Our family has grown through so many challenging seasons. As I look around, I see how beautiful our life is through each of them.  We haven’t really ever been rich according to what other people judge by, but we continue to grow rich in love and relationships.